


anything that bleeds

by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Communication, Dreams and Nightmares, M/M, Nightmares, Partnership, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:40:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29277105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiasobi_writes/pseuds/hollyandvice
Summary: Tony doesn't spend much time in their bed anymore either. Steve falls asleep alone and wakes up to the warmth of Tony's body slowly seeping from the bed beside him. He lingers in those moments, pressing his face into Tony's pillow to smell him. It's there, with his face still buried in Tony's warmth and scent, that he asks JARVIS if Tony will see him today."My apologies, Captain." he always says. "Not today."After a fight that triggers some of Tony's oldest trauma, Steve struggles to find a way to support Tony without smothering him.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22
Collections: POTS (18+) Stony Stocking 2020





	anything that bleeds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [only_more_love](https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_more_love/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [only_more_love](https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_more_love/pseuds/only_more_love) in the [stony_stocking_2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/stony_stocking_2020) collection. 



> Title from the following Lauren Kimball quote: _There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds._
> 
> Written for my darling Only for the POTS stocking exchange. I went out on a limb with your prompt, my dear, and I hope that's okay. The prompt included:
> 
> \- fic dealing with mental health issues in any way  
> \- characters actually talking through their issues, even if they can’t resolve everything  
> \- open, ambiguous, or downright unhappy endings  
> \- fic dealing w/hard things like [...] rape aftermath
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

It's different, after the fight with the Dream Demons. Embodiments of their worst nightmares. The spell had been terrible, and none of the Avengers had come through unscathed, but it seems to have hit Tony the hardest. Steve can tell something's been going on with him since the fight, he just doesn't know what it is. Tony drifts like a ghost through the penthouse, hands touching the raised letters on the spine of a book, or the smooth granite countertop. He takes hot showers, standing in them for long enough that his skin stays red for long minutes after Steve finally pulls him out of them to carry him to bed. On three occasions, Steve finds him with Tony eyes half-closed, a strong-smelling cup of cold coffee in his hands while Tony is still inhaling deeply over it. The third time, he pulls the mug from Tony's hands, but can't get through to him for another five minutes. It's like Tony's there, in his body, but he isn't always _there_.

Which is to say nothing of the one time Steve tried to comfort Tony physically. That had been disastrous enough that Steve hadn't even considered trying again.

Tony doesn't spend much time in their bed anymore either. Steve falls asleep alone and wakes up to the warmth of Tony's body slowly seeping from the bed beside him. He lingers in those moments, pressing his face into Tony's pillow to smell him. To remind himself that Tony's alive. To remember that they've gotten through hard times before and that this will be no exception, no matter how impossible it feels right now. It's there, with his face still buried in Tony's warmth and scent, that he asks JARVIS if Tony will see him today.

"My apologies, Captain." he always says. "Not today."

Steve wants to say he understands, but he doesn't. Tony has demons that he will never truly understand, but Steve had hoped — selfishly, perhaps — that this would bring them closer. That it would present a time to talk about their deepest fears to one another. To hold and comfort each other and remember that they were both alive. But Tony's always played his cards close to the vest, and even though they've made a lot of progress, Steve's long since realized this is one of those times where Tony had ended up leaning on old habits. Steve isn't mad — he'd nearly done the same thing himself — he just wishes he could get through to Tony. That Tony would let him in. He doesn't expect it any time soon, but he's hopeful. So damn hopeful.

So he sleeps in their bed and leans into what little warmth Tony lets him steal, and he hopes that this won't hurt as much to solve as it hurts right now.

He doesn't get that. Not that he'd ever thought he would, but, well. It had been nice to hope.

* * *

The punch to the face is enough to rouse Steve and get him into full combat mode before he registers where he is. Once he realizes he's safe in bed with Tony, he turns to his lover, ready to wake him to see what's wrong, when he takes in the expression on Tony's face.

He has tears streaked over his cheeks, his forehead is lined with deep grooves, and his mouth is twisted. And then? Then Tony speaks.

"Not him. Please, not him. Not Steve, please, _please_."

Steve's heart thunders in his chest. "I'm right here, Tony. I'm okay, nothing's going to hurt me."

"Please, not Steve."

Steve reaches out for him, hesitating for only a moment before ghosting his fingertips over Tony's cheek. Tony latches onto his wrist, pulling at him. "I'm right here."

Tony shakes his head and pulls on Steve. It takes Steve by surprise, and he collapses on top of Tony. "Not Steve," he says, and then, leaning in close to whisper in his ear. "Leave him out of this and I'll make it worth your while."

And that— that just stuns Steve for a moment. He knows what this is, what Tony's implying, but that can't be, why would Tony even think to offer to—

And then he understands. He understands, and it makes Steve _sick_. Because he'd understood, even back with the USO, that what some men did to their wives wasn't really love. That the women he'd performed with had been through more than their share of pain. He hadn't had the words then, but he does know, and knowing that Tony — precious wonderful _Tony_ — had been—

Steve swallows the bile and tries to gently push Tony away. "JARVIS," he says before Tony can start trying to cling to him again. "What's the most effective way to wake him up?"

"I'm not entirely sure, Captain." Steve can hear the worry in JARVIS's voice that Tony always tries to pretend isn't there, isn't real. "I don't have enough data to determine—"

"What's worked, then? Anything, JARVIS, please, just give me something."

"Being doused in water tends to—"

"Something that won't trigger him too, Jesus, JARVIS, please. Please, we can do better than that."

JARVIS hesitates. That's never a good sign. Hesitation means scrolling back through hours and hours of footage to try to find something, _anything_ to—

Tony licks a stripe up the column of Steve's neck and Steve… well, he panics. He shoves Tony away from him, knocking him to the floor. Tony yelps, and Steve's over the side of the bed kneeling next to him before Tony even manages to sit up. "Shit, Tony, I'm so sorry, you were dreaming and I didn't know what to do, I'm so sorry, are you—"

Tony puts a hand up, and Steve stills and goes completely silent. He's trembling, desperate for Tony to say or do something, anything to let Steve know that he's okay. 

"No," Tony says.

"No?"

"Do you even have to ask, Cap? No, I'm not fucking okay, I've never been okay, I'm never _going_ to be okay, and your hovering is definitely not helping me get any closer to okay."

Steve's chest twists, but he holds back a return snipe. They've worked on this, and if Tony's lashing out, that must mean he's either really hurt or really scared. "Okay," He says, hating the way Tony flinches. "That was a dumb question. What do you need?"

"Fuck you, Steven, you don't need to _coddle_ me. I don't need anything other than to get back down to my workshop and work this out of my system." Tony gets to his feet, picking a t-shirt up off the floor and pulling it on. He grabs one of Steve's flannels off the back of a chair, not seeming to notice what he's grabbing. If he knows, he shows no sign of it. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going downstairs."

He's halfway to the door and out of Steve's line of sight before Steve finds the strength to speak. "Tony. Please." Steve isn't sure what makes him say it, but it's enough to have Tony freezing, swaying slightly from the force of his motion. It's not much, but it's enough to give Steve hope. He shifts in their bed, turning to face Tony. "Please, honey. I love you. I love you so much, and I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like—" _like I've already lost you_ , he doesn't say. "I love you so much, Tony, and this, the way you're pulling away from me… Tony, it's _killing_ me not to know what's going on in your head. I just want to know that you're safe. That you're here with me. That you're—" He swallows, the vision of Tony bleeding out all too vivid after their encounter with the Dream Demons. "That you're alive."

Tony doesn't say anything. He stands there for long enough that Steve knows he's thinking of replying, of saying something that might be soothing or might leave Steve gutted. Whatever it could have been, though, the words never come. Tony pulls the flannel on and walks out the door.

Steve stares at the door for a long moment, praying that Tony's standing there on the other side, just waiting for a reason to come back inside. When it doesn't — when Steve can't seem to give him one — he curls in on himself and lets himself cry.

* * *

Steve keeps his distance from Tony for a few days after that. The one time he wakes when Tony's still in bed with him, he stays perfectly still, inhaling Tony's scent and letting Tony's warmth seep into his skin. He has to listen when Tony wakes with an aborted gasp, has to listen as his heart pounds loud enough that Steve can hear it against the arc reactor. It _aches_ , but Steve can't— _won't_ break them just because he wants to understand. If he pushes Tony too hard, he might as well just push him away. But he won't do that to Tony, won't leave him behind because he has a good heart that people have used and abused too many times. Whatever the Dream Demons did to Tony, it's got him rattled, and Steve isn't going to push any harder than he has to to keep Tony safe.

Because Tony's keeping himself safe on missions, doing his damnedest not to get hurt, and Steve can't hold that against him. Tony's flying fine in the field and Pepper says he's been showing up to Board Meetings. Steve knows there's a limit to this, that Tony's going to break at some point, but he can't push Tony to that breaking point. It could lose him Tony altogether.

So he waits, and waits, and waits some more, and when the moment comes, it isn't what he's expecting. It's the middle of the night, and Steve's just been yanked out of a nightmare of his own. Tony's awake next to him. Steve can tell from the way he's completely still on the bed beside him. Tony's awake and still here, and here, in the safety of the pre-dawn light, Steve feels brave.

"I watched you die," he says.

Tony's breath hitches, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't move.

Steve closes his eyes. "I watched everyone else die, but you, Tony… I watched you fight until there was nothing left in you. Until there was no more armor wrapped around you, until there was just you and your fists and what little you could do to try to keep our enemies down. And you did, of course you did, because you're brilliant and strong and brave and I— I couldn't get to you in time. I couldn't—" Steve presses a hand over his eyes, choking down the sobs. "I couldn't get to you. I had to watch Schmidt yank your heart out of your chest with his dying breath and I had to watch you _die_. Tony.

"And now—" Steve doesn't let himself look over at Tony. "Now I feel like I'm losing you all over again, in slow motion this time. And I didn't think that this could be worse than watching you die, and maybe it isn't, but it still hurts, Tony. And I… I don't think I'm strong enough to keep doing this."

Silence reigns in the room, broken only by the quiet, gasping breaths Steve takes to avoid completely breaking down. Steve can feel himself getting more and more worked up the longer Tony stays quiet, but if Steve breaks too soon now, there's no coming back. He has to be patient if he ever wants to hold Tony in his arms again.

When Tony rests a hand on the back of Steve's wrist, Steve barely manages to keep from jumping out of his skin. It's the first time Tony's touched him in days — since the disastrous morning after his nightmare. It's the first time he's touched Steve while they were both awake in over a week — since before the fight with the Dream Demons. Steve's breath stutters, relinquishing the slightest amount of control, but he doesn't let loose with anything more. He has to be patient.

"Steve. Honey. Look at me."

"Tony, I don't think that—"

"Please."

Steve blinks his eyes a few times behind his fists, trying to clear the worst of the tears. Then he finds his courage and turns to look at Tony.

Tony's propped up on an elbow and he looks just as wrecked as Steve feels. "I love you." Tony's voice is a whisper, but he might as well have shouted the words for how they resonate through Steve's soul.

"Tony—"

"I love you, Steve, but there are things our enemies can do to us that are worse than death. And I can't let any of them happen to you." Tony swallows, and Steve almost interrupts, almost cuts in, but he can feel the tension in Tony's body as he shakes and trembles before him. "I can't."

Steve's throat is tight. He knows what this is— can feel it at the edge of his understanding — but there's so much he doesn't know, doesn't understand. He wants to push, wants to force the words from Tony's lips. Wants to _make_ Tony tell him what they did to him. But that would be just as bad as whatever the Dream Demons had done. Just as bad as whatever fear they'd found in Tony's fragile heart and exploited to leave him wrecked like this. Steve won't be that person. Not here. Not now.

Not for Tony.

So Steve stays still and quiet, keeps his muscles loose and relaxed, and waits for Tony to come to him.

When he doesn't say anything more, Steve offers the only words he has to give. "I'm sorry."

Tony shakes his head, the familiar bitterness and self-loathing flooding his features as he draws away. "No, Steve, god, it's not your fault, it's—"

"That's not what I'm sorry for, Tony. I'm sorry that this happened to you. That someone you trusted violated that trust. That I— that I pushed you into this before you were ready. I'm supposed to protect you, Tony. To love you and support you and keep you safe from as much pain as I can. And I didn't do that. I know you're going to say that it's not my fault, but Tony— I want to be a safe place for you. And I haven't been that this week."

Steve reaches a tentative hand across the bedspread toward Tony. Tony glances down at it, but instead of shying away, he curls onto his side toward Steve, shoulders shaking and his head bowed. He reaches out to meet Steve halfway. Steve keeps his voice carefully calm even as his heart soars.

"I know you've always tried to do this alone. That you've always had to. And I'm not going to stop you if that's what you need right now. But I want you to know that I'm here." Tony chokes on a sound that might be a laugh or might be a sob, Steve isn't quite sure. "I'm here, Tony. Whenever you need me. Whenever you want me."

"Even if—" Tony stops short, swallowing around the watery warble in his tone. "Even if what I need is for you to walk away from me?"

Steve closes his eyes. "I will if you ask me to, Tony, because I can see how much you're hurting. But I'm not walking away from _us_ until we've sat down and had a real conversation, with both of us at our best. You're amazing, Tony, but you're hurting. I won't let you throw us away right now. You mean so much more to me than that."

Steve wants to say more, but he doesn't want Tony to hold his tongue because he thinks Steve has more to say. "I don't know how long I'm going to be like this, Steve."

"Healing isn't linear, Tony. You've watched me deal with this the whole time you've known me. Grieving the life I had before, trying to acclimate to this new reality. To the present." Tony jerks slightly in his hold, and even though Steve knows why, he doesn't let go. "It isn't an easy path, and just because you thought you had a handle on this, that doesn't mean it won't rear it's ugly head again. We're only human, Tony, and that means we're fragile. That sometimes things that wouldn't be a big deal to others trigger us and set us back months or years in our healing. This is going to take time, Tony. But I want to be here with you, for as long as you'll have me."

Tony scoots closer to Steve, tucking himself against Steve's side. Steve maneuvers them until he has Tony in his arms. Tony doesn't argue, curling up closer against Steve instead of pulling away, "I don't want to lose you either, Steve."

Steve kisses Tony's forehead. "Then we'll deal with the rest when it comes, okay?"

Tony nods. "Just promise me one thing?"

"What is it?"

"That you'll be here when I wake up in the morning?"

Steve smiles and noses at Tony's cheek until Tony turns toward him and Steve can kiss him. "I'm not going anywhere, Honey. I'll be right here whenever you wake up."

That seems to be enough to soothe Tony. He relaxes against Steve and, for the first time in too long, Steve finds himself relaxing too. Having Tony in his arms is all it takes, it would seem, to give Steve his peace, and he'll do whatever it takes to keep this peace for as long as he can.


End file.
